Tottenham Hotspur 2-1 Swansea: Match Report

It's somewhat of a mixed bag right now at the Spurs fan camp. While we’re on 5 wins in a row within the Premier League and moved on past Fiorentina in the Europa League, we had an unfortunate exit from the FA Cup against Crystal Palace & Leicester had an 89th minute winner to keep themselves ahead of us. That being said, we face a Swansea team who is just…how do I say this politely? Garbage. They are very very bad. So uh…good news, bad news. 

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While Dembele is out with a groin injury Lamela replaces him in the lineup, Eriksen slots deeper into the midfield in the typical holding slot alongside Dier. About...oh, I don’t know…30 seconds into the match ****ing Swansea almost scored if it weren’t for the Patron Saint of Saves, the sweet Saint Hugo. We then proceeded to deliver a good ol’ fashioned ass kickin to Swansea for ~15 minutes of 99% possession & near misses so close that all the seats in White Hart Lane were cold (cause no one was sitting in them, is the joke). A flat cross by Rose is chipped just over by Lamela after a lot of hustle by Kane – The Dark Knight himself, clad in a domino mask & everything – and Kane getting stood up at the near post by Fabianski then running face first into the woodwork. Near misses galore & you figure this game is going to end 5-0 nothing. Unfortunately, as is the typical Spurs way, we concede a goal. A corner routine, which failed, and then resulted in a shot that bounces wildly over the top of our defense & on to the foot of some striker who I don’t feel like looking up so I’m calling him Joe Pesci, who hammers it home for the stunning 1-0 Swansea lead. YUP! Just when Man U are beating Arsenal 2-0, we decide to let Swansea score on us. Bing bang bing! Luckily, instead of the old pre-2015/16 Tottenham’s typical demoralized response…we kicked into action like the caped crusaders themselves (there is a rival theme of super heroes & joe pesci quotes throughout this entire article so hold on for a wild ride) & just tore Swansea to shreds. I mean, I haven’t seen a thrashing so one-sided in all my years of watching football. Near miss after near miss as Kane’s toe is 3 inches away from a cross that’s trickling across the face of goal. An uncalled penalty on Dele Alli, a Son Heung-Min breakway, and 10 Goodfella’s behind the ball at all times to prevent us from getting that vital tying goal. It doesn’t help that Fabianski, an average goaltender at best, is playing the most top-to-bottom world class game I’ve ever seen. I mean, he is making Hugo look like My Uncle Vinny, am I right???? Fabianski & the Wise Guys hold out for a 1-0 half-time lead, but a very energetic Spurs side heads into the dressing room hungry for that win.

We blast out of the dressing room for the second half and pick up where we left off…90% possession hurtling toward Swansea’s goal with breakneck speed like a bird…no wait a plane…?? Eriksen’s freekick saved in a fashion so miraculous & disrespectful by Fabianski that I don’t even want to see a vine of it again in my life. When I say this goaltending performance was unbelievable, I truly mean that. Whatever words I can say in this article to illustrate that Fabianski was out of his mind today will not do it justice because he was out of his ****ing mind!! We continued to spread the ball wide to our fullbacks, who both have to be noted as playing an exceptional game on both ends today, and pushing chances through with consistency. Eriksen’s ball was letting him down today, as his less advanced role on the pitch was clearly getting to him. At some point in time Nacer Chadli came on, and then at another point in time Kyle Walker shot one of those on-the-ground scorchers from about 40 yards out, which Chadli redirected skillfully into the goal and past the apparent brick wall that was cemented into the Swansea goal pre-match. I know this sounds very anti-climactic for such a huge goal, but I am doing my best to remain a poised journalist here and not typing ‘NACER MOTHER****ING CHADLI THE ****ING DOLPHIN KING’ 100 times in a row. At that point everything blended together and Danny Rose belted a shot from a corner INTO THE ***ING GOALLLLLL!!!!! ON HIS PREMIER LEAGUE SOMETHINGITH GAMEEE!!!!! 2-1 to Spurs & Arsenal are losing!!!! There is a ticker tape parade being thrown in Times Square that puts the VE-Day celebration to shame! Swansea didn’t even really hit us back from there. Our organized defense did a pretty solid job to fend them off, only having Hugo make one big save toward the end on a corner. Walker even scored a 3rd goal off a like 11-2 counterattack, which didn’t count cause it was “offside” (whatever that is), but still counts in my heart.  THE DAY IS OURS!!! 2-1!! (with a bonus point for Walker). 

ARSENAL LOST!!! WE ARE SOLELY IN SECOND PLACE ON 54 points, 2 behind Leicester and 3 above the scum society!! We showed a lot of heart & resiliency to have our 17th come-from-behind point of the season and keep us right up there with Leicester for the title race. Unbelievable win but I am exhausted and I don’t wanna make any more goddamn Joe Pesci jokes so COYS!!!! 

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