Tottenham Hotspur 4-1 West Ham: Match Report

It has been so long since we last played club football and I wrote one of these things, that I had to go in to an ancient crypt to find my laptop to write this match report. After what I’m sure were very interesting Euro qualifiers (did not watch a single one), it was about time we got back to some good old-fashioned club football. We welcomed (if you can call putting down tarps to make sure they don’t muck up your floors with their filth, welcoming) West Ham into White Hart Lane for a LONDON DARBY 2015! Sitting just even with them in the table, at 21 points a piece, this game was clearly of massive importance, and without a certain Gareth Bale there to win the game for us with his superheroics, it would take a very complete effort to beat this impressive West Ham side. Fun fact that is actually horrifying: West Ham have beaten Manchester City, Arsenal, and Liverpool away from home this season! Enjoy the match!


We started the game with complete possession and domination, playing careful passes around West Ham’s zone leading up to chances. Our quick pace and applied pressure helped win the ball back with intensity after missed chances to ensure our domination of possession. Our first half performance was marked by deliberate passing, fluid movement, and a bit of skill, which was characterized by Harry “The Rock” Kane latching on to a series of great passes then turning the West Ham defender inside out and smashing a ball home to make it 1-0 in the 23rd. Remember what it was like to have Kane not score goals? He now makes it 5 games in a row ending up on the score sheet, and I believe was also Knighted in the process (have to get that fact checked). West Ham respond by opening themselves up to the game more. Their reserved, defensive style that helped them withstand the first 20 minutes had now failed them, and they needed to press up field more.

Shortly after the Kane goal,  Kouyate OFFISDEDLY bicycle kicks it off the bar in a very offside effort that was offside and thus irrelevant to the game. A minor period of back and forth, with no major chances was ended when Pochettino ripped his shirt off and declared “NO! MORE! GAMES!” so we won a corner, Alderweireld left Reid for dead, and glanced Eriksen’s well placed corner home to make it 2-0 Spurs in the 33rd. Moments after that, a bit of Eriksen magic (shocking, I know) found Spurs clear on a fast break once again, ending up with Son Heung-Min dummying the dummy West Ham defender, having his shot parried by Adrian right in to the path of Alli who volley-headers it right off the cross bar…. Drats! We spend the rest of the half absorbing the minor amounts of pressure West Ham lob-balled at us, and then breaking forward in numbers. At some point along the way, I do not remember which half, Kane found himself luckily in on a breakaway and shanked it wide in a very un-Kane-like effort. THE GHOST OF SOLDADO RETURNS!

The second half started once again with immediate pressure out of the gate. We pinned West Ham back in their zone, and passed around for 5 or so minutes until suddenly, out of nowhere, Kane lines up a shot in the middle of the pitch (25 yards out or so) which swerves right down the middle, past Adrian, and in for the 3-0 Spurs lead. Five minutes into the second half and were well clear of whatever lowly opponent we played today. Our quick passing and movement efficiently closed down West Ham whenever they tried to get into a scoring position, while effectively getting the ball forward and to the feet of our players. I don’t know what our passing completion was yet, but it was probably very high today. Our intensity, even after the 3rd goal, massively overshadowed West Ham, and allowed us to comfortably walk through the remainder of the match. A series of chances had the ability to put us up 5, 6, maybe even 7 – 0, but alas it was for not. A fast break saw a wide open Walker collect the ball on the right side, and play a beautiful square pass across to Son who took a little too long to shoot, and was disrupted.

Dier playing a gorgeous ball in to Alli who controls well but is just put off by Jenkinson to disrupt the break. Alli decides to tell Mark Noble that he's an irrelevant troll of a man, and the pair are shown yellows. WHICH IS UNFORTUNATE as it means Dele Alli will be missing the Chelsea match next week. He is taken off in the 70th to make way for Mr. Illustrious, Ryan Mason. From here on out the game lacked urgency from either side, and we seemingly walked through the next 20 or so minutes. Kane running around like a selfish, confused chicken trying to get his hattrick, often ending up selfish and wasteful at times. Some weird fast break thing ended up with Walker finding himself on a give and go in the box with Son and then OUTSIDE OF THE BOOT CURLING IT PAST ADRIAN LIKE HES GARETH ******* BALE to make it the weirdest 4-0 lead we’ve ever had. Honestly, I just started cackling when Walker scored that goal because why was he there? Why would he take that shot?! Unfortunately for Walker though, his excitement ended up with a defensive lapse that directly allowed Lanzini to score and end Hugo’s clean sheet. Kane came off for Carroll and Son for Onomah, and we decided to play even less urgently. At one point, at 40 yards out, Ryan Mason decided “**** it!” and blasted it past Adrian…but off the post. The game saw itself out after Dembele decided to dummy every single West Ham player on the pitch and then pass in to Onomah that ended up being redirected up and over the bar, for a sloppy corner, that ended the match.          

We won!! We didn’t just win, we destroyed them. It was a complete domination from top to bottom, and even when we decided to go for a leisurely stroll for half an hour, we still looked the better team. Remember when we used to foolishly have to rely on world class brilliance at the last second of the game by some Welsh bloke to win the game? What a nightmare! I much prefer this Poch style of having actual tactics and a balanced, organized team. We roll on with 3 points, putting us 2 points off Arsenal, and 4 points back of league leaders Leicester (which, what the hell??) sitting comfortably in 5th. We play Chelsea next week, and will hopefully go on to remain KING OF THE LONDON DERBYS !! COYS!  

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